I think someone somewhere was very pleased with how
that cover turned out. The name of the artistic director (Jo Mirowski) is listed
on the back credits, as is the designer of that chair (Mike Shepherd), the woman
sitting in it (Dana) the bloke who did her hair (Mitch at Vidal Sassoon) and the
chap who took the photograph (John Shaw). A roll call of the not so great and
good, it's tempting to suggest that at least one of them should be tested for
illegal substances, because that end result is hideous. Absolutely hideous.
What is it meant to be conveying I wonder? An ideal way to relax wrapped up in an aura of sophistication and modernity? Perhaps, but I can't imagine that chair wouldn't be too comfortable to sit in after more than a few minutes, and it looks like it would be a hell of a potch to get in and out of too I can only guess what any music must sound like coming through two huge woofers packed into cabinets the width of that woman's arm and set facing each other less than three feet apart. What makes me smile too is its proud 'Superstereo' boast - this is from 1980 fer gawd's sake, surely the novelty of releasing an album in stereo had died a death sometime before The Beatles split?
Anyway, putting the (awful, absolutely awful) cover aside for the moment, I have confess that, just like his easy listening contemporaries James Last and Klaus Wunderlich, I don't know much about Kaempfert beyond the fact that he wrote 'Strangers In The Night' (made famous by Frank Sinatra). That's on here, as is 'Bye Bye Blues', Bert's solitary appearance on the UK singles chart (number 24 in 1965) and this is all because 'Sounds Sensational' is in fact a compilation round-up of Kaempfert's best known tracks and biggest hits, meaning despite the achingly modern packaging, the youngest track here actually dates from 1968
What is it meant to be conveying I wonder? An ideal way to relax wrapped up in an aura of sophistication and modernity? Perhaps, but I can't imagine that chair wouldn't be too comfortable to sit in after more than a few minutes, and it looks like it would be a hell of a potch to get in and out of too I can only guess what any music must sound like coming through two huge woofers packed into cabinets the width of that woman's arm and set facing each other less than three feet apart. What makes me smile too is its proud 'Superstereo' boast - this is from 1980 fer gawd's sake, surely the novelty of releasing an album in stereo had died a death sometime before The Beatles split?
Anyway, putting the (awful, absolutely awful) cover aside for the moment, I have confess that, just like his easy listening contemporaries James Last and Klaus Wunderlich, I don't know much about Kaempfert beyond the fact that he wrote 'Strangers In The Night' (made famous by Frank Sinatra). That's on here, as is 'Bye Bye Blues', Bert's solitary appearance on the UK singles chart (number 24 in 1965) and this is all because 'Sounds Sensational' is in fact a compilation round-up of Kaempfert's best known tracks and biggest hits, meaning despite the achingly modern packaging, the youngest track here actually dates from 1968
For the uninitiated (like me), then the note on the back is useful -
'Bert Kaempfert has given to popular music a sound which is at once
pleasing and unique. It relies on a prominent beat, a cushion of strings and the
muted power of the brass. It brings together elements from differing musical
environments all brought together by the guiding hands of a man with a wealth of
experience'
Actually, it's more than useful - that soundbite could have doubled as my whole review of this album. Whoever wrote it (actually, his name is given too - it's one Alun Morgan) nails Kaempfert's whole shtick to the wall and perfectly sums up what's in these grooves. Job done. Saying that, whilst I've no doubt Mr Morgan was being sincere, my own problem is with the "elements from differing musical environments" bit. It's true, a track list where 'A Swingin' Safari' rubs shoulders with 'Midnight In Moscow', 'Zambesi', 'Answer Me' and 'Afrikaan Beat' could have played out as a mash-up of various musical styles from around the world until the sparks flew but - alas - once they've been through Bert's Procrustean arrangements and given a makeover of dull that shaves off any rough edges until they fit the size of his orchestra's bed then they all blend into one syrupy whole where the only musical style on offer is Bert's.
It's very 'safe' music, but it's music that's difficult to 'like' or even enjoy; it's vacuousness is an empty landscape, a treeless plain of no depth that I can find no comfort, emotion or relaxation in. It's just 'there' in the way that oxygen is just 'there', only it's far less vital; I don't think the absence of Bert Kaempfert records is going to cause anyone any major hardship. I'd like to think too that there's a difference between a listening experience that's 'easy' and one that's 'remedial', but I'm afraid on this evidence I find Bert's music as functionally bland as woodchip wallpaper and about as interesting.
Actually, it's more than useful - that soundbite could have doubled as my whole review of this album. Whoever wrote it (actually, his name is given too - it's one Alun Morgan) nails Kaempfert's whole shtick to the wall and perfectly sums up what's in these grooves. Job done. Saying that, whilst I've no doubt Mr Morgan was being sincere, my own problem is with the "elements from differing musical environments" bit. It's true, a track list where 'A Swingin' Safari' rubs shoulders with 'Midnight In Moscow', 'Zambesi', 'Answer Me' and 'Afrikaan Beat' could have played out as a mash-up of various musical styles from around the world until the sparks flew but - alas - once they've been through Bert's Procrustean arrangements and given a makeover of dull that shaves off any rough edges until they fit the size of his orchestra's bed then they all blend into one syrupy whole where the only musical style on offer is Bert's.
It's very 'safe' music, but it's music that's difficult to 'like' or even enjoy; it's vacuousness is an empty landscape, a treeless plain of no depth that I can find no comfort, emotion or relaxation in. It's just 'there' in the way that oxygen is just 'there', only it's far less vital; I don't think the absence of Bert Kaempfert records is going to cause anyone any major hardship. I'd like to think too that there's a difference between a listening experience that's 'easy' and one that's 'remedial', but I'm afraid on this evidence I find Bert's music as functionally bland as woodchip wallpaper and about as interesting.
And yes, I know that's a very cheap shot - the man has a vast back catalogue that's sold in its millions to devoted fans all over the world, and so in commenting on this career retrospective in such a blase manner I'm potentially passing judgement on all of it in one fell swoop, but the troll in me just wants to dismiss this as music for people with tin ears who don't really care much for music but care for a background of silence even less. That would be an even cheaper shot at something that clearly wasn't produced for my benefit, but..........ah to hell with it, my opinion is not worth much in this context so I'll say 'Sounds Sensational' is music for people with tin ears who don't really care much for music but care for a background of silence even less. There, the gavel has fallen and the black cap is on. Take it down.
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